Shake Hands

Circa Alamat ng Gubat days. Ergo, another reblog. Masyadong mabagal ang 28kbps para sa youtube kaya naghalungkat na lang ako sa virtual bodega ng mga pwede pang i-garage sale.


I think I do not know how to draw anymore. At least not the way I used to draw in my younger years, when my desk was folded broadsheet and my back was not prone to sculiosis because I drew on the sofa lying on my tummy. Now I'm too big to fit comfortably on the sofa and my tummy forbids me from lying flat.

Not that my drawings are virtually deteriorating. It's all in my head, maybe. Or my hands. I used to be very confident when holding a pencil. Even before I was trained to draw straight lines without a foot rule, I could make continuous strokes. Clean strokes that make clear figures. When inking, even with a Pilot 0.5 sign pen used to be able to make fine curves. Hands flowing smoothly.

Now I cannot even execute simple arcs without at least doubling the drawing path. The pencilled drawings look furry, and the inks tend to thicken. My 0.1 pen leaves 0.5 marks. I feel disturbed, I can not draw as I want to anymore. I can't make my works appear as I want to. On less giving occassions, my hand slips from the supposedly predetermined path and creates a "scratch", as I want to call it. When this happens, compulsively try to fix it by making the crossed lines even thicker. Now the 0.5 becomes 1.0, then I try to make all the other lines thicker, unless I want to emphasize my blunder. After I'm done with the lousy cover-up, I realize that I just made it even worse. I stare at it for five minutes convincing myself it looks alright. I spend another five minutes staring blankly hearing voices inside my head shouting "you could've just erased the small scratch in photoshop, dimwit!"

Then I spend two hours in remorse because I have to do the whole drawing all over again. Sometimes, while pencilling, I stop to look at my drawing hand and see if I am "pasmado". Turns out I'm not. My hands are steady. The right one just shakes when I need to make fine and smooth strokes. So the problem is not physical but psychological. This began only when I accepted an illustration job. Must be the pressure, it may be affecting my confidence in some ways. Or it must be the lack of practice. Must be the decrease of practice.

I used to draw in my every free time when I was in gradeschool. I draw anything I want to; from cute cartoon characters to superheroes; from still life to comic books; from landscapes to imaginary objects; plain pencils to paintings. I became limited to comic book characters and editorial cartoons in high school. When I got into Fine Arts, I almost lost interest in drawing.

*****

My first year in college made drawing lose it's magic of escapism and fantasy; it became a requirement, a chore, a classcard marker. It made my favorite hobby a burden. 25 hours a day would not be enough to finish all the plates, beating deadlines for other subjects not counted. My IQ fell five points. My creativity took an indefinite leave to make way for MacGyver-type time-and-money-saving teqhniques. Left brain interchanged with the right.

Then I realize that I hated drawing. I hated art.

I found something I can put my mind to, to get away from the succubus cycle. Thank heavens for HTML.

Summer vacation came and I discovered photoshop. I discovered a new hobby. Which became useful for the sophomore and junior subjects.I went back to making freehand artworks because I was no longer forced to by academics. I became less grade conscious and I learned to dare to draw in front of lecturing professors.

But these drawings were merely scribbles. I did not regain my "every drawing good drawing" mindset. I no longer spend my free time drawing. It felt better to read comics or sleep, which I also did in front of lecturing profs.

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So much for a summary of my drawing history. Now my mind wanders back to the shaky hand situation. Tsk. Oh well, probably after this illustration job I'll be able to create those clean, smooth, fine lines again.